~Too fat, too skinny, ugly, too pretty, mean, beautiful, talented, gringa, slut, too stupid, loving.
These are some of the words that have defined me by those who have despised me and loved me over the years. Often, I wonder who it is that I am or who I am suppose to be. I have struggled with the idea of who I am due to the criticism of the many people I have encountered during my 16 years of life. What defines me as a person? What makes me, me?
When I really think about this, what comes to mind is who I am to the people I love. I am a daughter, a big sister, a girlfriend, a waitress, a student, a friend, a leader, a role model, and a foreigner in the place I call home. Or, have I always been a foreigner? I was a teacher's daughter in a rich kid's school, which meant my tuition was free and I was suddenly considered to be less significant. Then I was a 'rich girl' in the eyes of the public school system year one of high school, which made me more valuable, yet discriminated against by the less fortunate. But still, these are the definitions given to me by other people. None of these names have been self- given or self- proclaimed, therefore, I still do not know who I am. My name given at birth was Melina Mora Marks, the only daughter of Michelle Bakeman and Scott Marks, but what does that name on a piece of paper actually mean?
So I must beg the question once again, who am I? What defines me? Am I a slut because I am found attractive by the opposite sex? Or am I fat and ugly because my thighs touch? Am I beautiful because my mom and my boyfriend tell me so? Am I a writer because they say I have talent? Was I born to do something great, or will I live and die along with my name for no one to remember? I simply don't know who I am, or who I am suppose to be.
These are the things that I do not know, but there are things that I do understand. I do know that the world is grand and beautiful and deserves to be explored, while at the same time it can be cruel and unforgiving. I know that love is real and only comes once in a lifetime. I know that love comes with happiness and sadness, joy and pain. I know that some bonds can never be broken, I know that kindness, forgiveness, and understanding can save anyone. Above all, I know that everyone has a future and everyone has a chance, it is just up to the one person alone to make a life for themselves.
I cannot yet say that I am comfortable in my own skin. I cannot say I know who I am or what I will do with this short life I have been given. I also cannot say that the words given to me by the world thus far have successfully built me up or torn me down. I lastly cannot say that I have given up finding who I am, and hopefully one day soon I will know who I am meant to be.
